September 16, 2016 | Blog

The Ranadive Five

By Matt Baker

Sacramento Kings owner Vivek Ranadive is a basketball genius.

Did he invent the Triangle offense? No. Did he draft Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, and Draymond Green? No. Vivek Ranadive is a genius because he took a team of 12 year old girls, taught them a full court press, and then won basketball games. That’s why he is a genius, and that is what qualifies him to own an NBA basketball team (well, that and a net worth of $700 million).

Vivek and his teams of insane, pressing little girls were subjects of a 2009 piece in The New Yorker, but what that piece didn’t break down was the actual starting lineup. We here at Brickhouse and our crack staff have found the starting lineup and what to break it all down.

Starting Point Guard: Melissa. Standing at 4’11”, this fiery little talker commands the court. If you aren’t in the right spot she will let you know about it. Her main weakness: Billy just asked Brittney to the dance. She really wanted to go with him.

Starting Shooting Guard: Frankie. Standing at 4’11”, this girl has unlimited range. Sure, her jumper starts from her hip and takes all her strength but she’s basically Klay Thompson. Unfortunately her weakness is a big one. Mom! Timmy just won’t stop touching her! She shreds defenses, but can’t shake her annoying five year old brother.

Starting Small Forward: Christy. “Old School”, as her teammates like to call her. Standing at 4’11”, she is all about the defense. If you have the ball, then she will swipe it from you. But for as good as she is at swiping the ball, she is equally as bad at swiping math class. Integers? What are those? 4 + -2 equals what? You might as well be speaking gibberish.

Starting Power Forward: A.J. Oh A.J. All the boys love her. Standing 4’11”, she is the prototypical stretch 4. Would her game have worked in the late 90s early 2000s? Irrelevant because she wasn’t even born. Just as likely to hit a jumper as she is a layup. One problem though. 5 Seconds of Summer is on tour but is not coming to Sacramento this year. She may have to go to Chula Vista to see them, thus missing the important game.

Starting Center: Stella. Standing at 5’5”, Stella is taller than every other girl and she makes her presence known. Alley-oops, yes. Give and go, absolutely. Don’t let her teenager insecurities fool you, she is very confident out there. Does she have a weakness? I’m glad you asked. Her weakness is her strength. Her height. She had a giant growth spurt and has out grown all the girls and most of the boys. It is really messing with her confidence. Luckily for her, however, she will not grow any more for the rest of her life, so her height insecurities will only last for about a year.

Sixth Girl: Anjali Ranadive. No girl gets a free pass on this pressing dynasty. One would think that the coach’s daughter would have a no doubt starting spot, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Anjali just didn’t show the hustle in training camp, but one thing she does best is distract the other team. Her crying fits are legendary. On the court, off the court, in the middle of a possession, it doesn’t matter! If you need her to cry, you’re in luck because she is more than likely crying as we speak.

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