May 12, 2016 | Blog

The Dwight Howard Prophecies

Here’s a countdown of the teams most likely to sign Dwight Howard this summer with a reason why they may or may not close the deal. Because someone has to sign him, right?

#30 San Antonio Spurs The Spurs hack Dwight, they don’t hire him.

#29 Minnesota Timberwolves They already have the best center in the world already, plus Prince would have never stood for it.

#28 Cleveland Cavaliers He would not Fit-IN OR Fit-OUT

#27 Golden State Warriors I only put them this low because their owner Joe Lacob, self proclaims to be a Silicon-Valley genius and this may be outside the box enough to convince himself he’s right, but inevitably his team talks him off the ledge.

#26 LA Clippers They wouldn’t want Blake to break his hand punching a dude in the face again.

#25 Oklahoma City Thunder Not sure even Dwight would live in Oklahoma for max money if Sam Presti ever wanted him. Durant and Westbrook obviously think he’s a punk.

#24 Indiana Pacers What worked between Larry Legend and Lance Stephenson would not translate to Dwight.

#23 Memphis Grizzlies These guys need everything but a center. Plus Howard is not a Grit and Grind player. Though he would probably have more max offers if he were.

#22 Utah Jazz Dwight Howard actually wouldn’t mind living in Utah. Surprisingly, he just can’t get over the owner attempting to rip-off his favorite place to go on vacation: CASA BONITA.

#21 Detroit Pistons This is awkward. Stan Van Gundy going to Andre Drummond is like when you run into your ex and she’s dating someone that looks really similar to you. Stan found a younger, hotter version of Dwight.

#20 Houston Rockets They should probably be #30, but he could come back if nobody else wants him, I guess. Nope. Not actually going to happen.

#19 New Orleans Pelicans Like the T-wolves, they’re set at center for the next 15 years.

#18 New York Knicks Shocked they’re this high on the list? Jackson wouldn’t do it even if it was a good idea, which it isn’t.

#17 LA Lakers They have to act like they would never sign him again, but they’d have a meeting.

#16 Toronto Raptors Just like during Jack Reacher, Dwight cried during Jurassic Park. Going to Toronto would bring back too many tough memories.

#15 Boston Celtics Danny Ainge collects things people WANT to trade for or he trades for players he WANTS. Dwight doesn’t fit either.

#14 Washington Wizards He could be like the Knicks signing Amare Stoudamire to a max deal after they had all their hopes on signing LeBron James.

#13 Philadelphia 76ers You might expect them higher on this list, but they seriously have nothing but centers on rookie deals. All of them combined make less than half of Howard.

#12 Phoenix Suns, Matt! They’re lost at sea at and that big goofy dude may look like a rescue to boat to Ryan McDonaugh who is suffering from severe delusional heat stroke.

#11 Chicago Bulls They have a cheap owner but that whole team could be different by next year.

#10 Denver Nuggets Maybe Mike Malone can work with anybody after his success with Boogie. Maybe he’s the Dwight whisperer.

#9 Dallas Mavericks Dirk announces his retirement after 15 games of sharing a locker room with Dwight AND Chandler Parsons. There’s no farwell tour, he’s just leaving.

#8 Charlotte Hornets I actually think they belong way higher on this list, but like MJ avoiding Duke players, he doesn’t want an Adidas Superstar on his team.

#7 Miami Heat I just feel they’re likely to sign anybody though my instincts tell me that Dwight is not a player that would get into the Riley Mafia.

#6 Brooklyn Nets They may have a new GM straight from the Spurs, but they’re still owned by a Bond Villian, and Dwight is a villain with a shit-eating grin.

#5 Orlando Magic Scott Skiles immediately challenges Dwight to a potato sack fight to prove dominance. Never bet against Skiles in a potato sack fight.

#4 Milwaukee Bucks More Silicon Valley guys who would be tinkering with NOT the best regular-season team of all time.

#3 Portland Trail Blazers So much cap space. Already have they’re backcourt and lots of rentals in the frontcourt. Dwight is actually not a bad player and Paul Allen has DEEP pockets.

#2 Sacramento Kings “I left Memphis because they didn’t know how to put together an NBA basketball team” echoes in Dave Joeger’s head. He sleeps less than a meth addict.

#1 Atlanta Hawks Cue the worst “I’m Coming Home” montage of all-time. I’m sorry perpetually disappointed Hawks fan.

 

The Ranadive Five

Before Vivek Ranadive bought the Sacramento Kings and joined NBA basketball he had his own squad. He took an unlikely group of Silicon Valley daughters to national prominence with an unorthodox style of play. The team became the basis of a story by Malcolm Gladwell that was later featured in his book “Outliers”. Though we don’t know the name of the team we’ve affectionately dubbed them “The Ranadive Five.”

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